Appa and Coping with his absence.

I am writing this to be able to reach out to others who have or are experiencing the loss of a dear one. Mind you, I am no shrink, but what I write further has just been one of the many ways of getting through with the pain of having lost my Appa.

It’s been seven months since I last saw him. The main reason I took to writing was to have a one-sided conversation with him as I wrote. I felt jotting down every little emotion I was experiencing was one way to stay connected with him. I resorted to the easiest way possible, to put my thoughts down as Notes on my phone, and every now and then I’d have a post going up, mostly to reach out to those who miss him as much as I do. 

Be it sad that he’s not around anymore, or happy looking at all the good times we had together, or confused and lost because he wasn’t around to guide me, or just going weak failing to accept his absence, it has been quite the turmoil. The frequency of experiencing these emotions lessened as time passed by. But then there were triggers, which you have no idea when they come knocking at your door, and they are real and difficult. On one of these days, I came across his death certificate while handling some paperwork, and that’s as real as it gets. It is written and authorized that he’s no more. Now, that hurt.

As I took a deep breath, I was aching to have him back in my life at that very moment.

Appa, for me, has been one of the most special people. The unconditional love that he had to offer, is not something I can be privy to anymore. 

I am not sure how comfortable one is crying and being vulnerable, I know I am not at the moment. For a later date, I will write about this too. Having mentioned being vulnerable, I was in this mess, and the only way I felt better was writing about him, or to him, and assuming how he would have responded to it. I wrote every day for the first few months. Eventually, life caught on, I had to resume going about my day-to-day activities. With that, the writing shifted from a daily basis to the days when I was low. Around four months since he passed away, I hit this roadblock, I struggled to write. This is where I thought I couldn’t write about him any more because he’s fading out of my life. Every single time I unlocked my phone, to write something, I had nothing about him. I cried and bawled trying hard. I, for one, believed that he’s beyond memory for me now. 

But here I am, writing about him after nearly 2 months. He’ll never be forgotten, he’s always around, and I’ve got this!

The takeaway: Many a time, I have felt uncomfortable discussing or even mentioning him in these trying times. To my rescue came - writing. I am not suggesting that this will work for everyone, but it did for me. No harm in trying. You take your time healing and I will take mine. But it’s just comforting knowing I am here experiencing the same agony as you, and you’ve got this.  I grieve and experience the pain while writing this, and gain strength from knowing how loved I was while he was around.

A few pictures of Appa and me, we both look gorgeous.

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